The joys and struggles of being a stay-at-home mom
This is certainly not a new topic, and I'm sure others have written about it more eloquently than I have. I just felt like this was something I wanted to talk about. My intent with this post is just to share my experience and it is not to prove the superiority of stay-at-home mothers vs. working mothers, or vice versa. All mommies are full-time mothers, whether working outside the home or not.
Coming from a family with a working mother, I had always assumed that I would continue to work after I had kids too. I went to engineering school, even got a masters degree and was making great progress in my career once I started working. I loved going to work, interacting with people, having deadlines and goals to work towards and actually achieving them, having the structure that goes with getting up every morning and having a plan for the day. Not to mention the satisfaction I got from the fact that I brought home a paycheck and contributed to our household income.
I worked in the corporate world through both of my pregnancies, and after. But it was harder with two kids and a husband who traveled. My whole evening had one purpose - to get all of my "duties" done as quickly as possible and to get the kids in bed, so I could get a few minutes of time to myself at the end of the day. My older daughter, S1, was barely 4 then. I found myself losing my patience with her when she behaved like any normal, distracted toddler. I was always rushing her with everything, not letting her be a child. "Eat quickly, get ready quickly, you are taking too long!" I wasn't enjoying either of my kids in the limited time that I had with them. So when S2's nanny quit without any notice, I took it as a sign and after a lot of soul-searching, I decided to quit my job. (Please know that I have friends who are/were able to handle all of the same things that I faced, without blinking an eye - juggling work/home/kids beautifully - SUPER MOMS!! It was just something that I felt I wasn't able to do justice to.)
It has been over 4 years since I took the plunge, and our quality of life has improved drastically. Now that I have time during the day to do things around the house, I can spend time with the kids once they get home from school. I can take them to after-school activities that I wouldn't even have been able to enroll them in before . I have time to volunteer in their schools, go on field trips with them, take them to all their appointments without feeling guilty about missing work. I even have the time after they are in bed to catch up on some television with my husband, or read, or actually go to sleep early if I want to. It was the best decision I could have made for my family overall, BUT it sometimes feels like it may not have been the best decision for me personally.
I am a social person, and I thrive on interactions with other people. I love the mental stimulation of working and collaborating with others. Now that I am a stay-at-home mom, there are days when talking to the grocery store clerk in the checkout line is the only conversation I have had in the entire day, especially when my husband is traveling. The most challenging job my brain needs to handle on most days is managing my kids' calendars (though that is not an easy job, mind you!), or negotiating with contractors and being a project manager for projects around our house. I am physically busy and exhausted most days, but I miss "exercising" my brain, and miss actually getting appreciated/rewarded for using it. No one to say, "Look how well you planned that trip to Disney with your detailed spreadsheet!" - Yes, I was that desperate to use my mad MS Excel skills! :D
I still feel a twinge of something, maybe regret, when people ask me if I work. I find myself replying in the negative and usually following it up with a report of what I did in my previous life. It is entirely instinctive on my part when I do that, but it is like my subconscious telling me I don't have an identity now that I don't have a "job". I still need to work on that! It doesn't help when I get comments from people about how I have all the time in the day since I don't have a "job", or questions like, "What do you do all day when the kids are in school?". I need a thicker skin to deal with those, and maybe I just need to learn to not take it the wrong way.
As of now, the pros of my staying home still outweigh the cons. It may change in a few years, but there is no point rushing it. Till then, I'll just have to put myself out there, meet new people, try my hand at new things and attempt to fill the void that not having a "paying job" has left in my life.
And my advice to other mothers that are facing the choice that I faced - go with what your gut tells you. What is right for someone else may not be right for you. It is not an easy choice. Consider yourself fortunate that you do have a choice, unlike so many others that don't have that luxury. Also remember not to beat yourself up over your choice if you choose to continue to work, because what matters eventually is the quality of the time you spend with your kids, and not the quantity. And, for those of you that do choose to stay home- use your time wisely, get out of those yoga pants every morning and don't forget to make some time for yourself. The key, with either choice, is to make sure that "me" and "mommy" co-exist.
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