Can we raise a self-confident kid?
I know I have had this discussion with my friends a number of times. This subject is really close to my heart.
My 9-year-old daughter, S1, is one of the sweetest and most considerate children that I know. She is also smart and very creative. But, she is always one of the quietest kids in her class - shy around her teachers and peers. Don't get me wrong, she gets along with everyone, and has a few good friends that she loves to hang out with (she tends to pick and stick with the same set of friends). But she is not one of those kids that everyone knows, nor is she one of those kids that will know everyone. She flies under the radar most of the time. Add to this the fact that she is a perfectionist.
This means that she will never voluntarily step into the limelight. And I am not talking about her being the lead character in a play, or being the star of a show. I am just talking about day to day instances where she will not voluntarily step forward to do something that she thinks will put her in the spotlight, or something that she thinks she may fail at (and hence put her in the spotlight), or it can be where she will not volunteer to answer a question that she is not absolutely sure of having the right answer for.
All of this didn't really matter when she was in preschool. But, we started noticing that it made a difference in kindergarten when she entered public school for the first time. S1 went unnoticed , for the most part, in a class full of outspoken and outgoing personalities because she was not one of the kids that were first to raise their hand to answer a question (though she might have known the answer), or first to volunteer to participate in a science experiment, for example. You get the picture. My smart, creative, but quiet, child just got completely lost in the mix. S1 did not get a chance to be challenged academically. Her work ethic and good behavior went unrecognized because she would not try to highlight her abilities and achievements and speak up for herself. It is also the way of the world that someone who does what they are told all the time, and that too does it quietly, tends to get noticed less than someone who only does so sometimes. The latter might even get rewarded for doing so since it is not the norm for them! That first year really affected S1's confidence, and not in a good way, because almost counterintuitively, she does thrive on recognition and even a few words of praise and encouragement go a long way with her.
Once we realized what was going on, we started working on challenging her at home and made it a point to let her teacher know at the beginning of every new school year that S1 might need that extra push to open up in class. We have frequent talks with S1 about speaking up, and standing up, for herself. Having some awesome and supportive teachers over the last few years has helped her tremendously too.
While her confidence in herself has gone up significantly compared to before, we still struggle to get her to try/experience new things, because in her mind, if she cannot know for sure that she will excel in something new, she thinks she shouldn't try it out at all. We also struggle in getting her to understand the difference between her highlighting her own strengths and successes vs. what in her mind is bragging. S1 routinely goes above and beyond what is required of her, at home and at school. But, she hesitates to let her teacher/peers know what she has achieved/done because she doesn't want to be known as someone who brags and doesn't want anyone else's feelings to be hurt because of her. I do appreciate the fact that she is conscious of how others may feel because of her success in something, but she will need to learn to "market" herself as she gets older and will need to distinguish herself, over the years, from countless other smart and creative kids like herself. This is a skill that will serve her well in everything from getting scholarships, to getting a job, and actually succeeding in it.
But, how do you even help a 9-year-old understand that SHE is her own best advocate?!
I know there is a fine line between someone who is self-confident and someone who is over-confident, I just want my kids to be confident in their own abilities and comfortable in their skin. That, I have learnt, is easier said than done!
My 9-year-old daughter, S1, is one of the sweetest and most considerate children that I know. She is also smart and very creative. But, she is always one of the quietest kids in her class - shy around her teachers and peers. Don't get me wrong, she gets along with everyone, and has a few good friends that she loves to hang out with (she tends to pick and stick with the same set of friends). But she is not one of those kids that everyone knows, nor is she one of those kids that will know everyone. She flies under the radar most of the time. Add to this the fact that she is a perfectionist.
This means that she will never voluntarily step into the limelight. And I am not talking about her being the lead character in a play, or being the star of a show. I am just talking about day to day instances where she will not voluntarily step forward to do something that she thinks will put her in the spotlight, or something that she thinks she may fail at (and hence put her in the spotlight), or it can be where she will not volunteer to answer a question that she is not absolutely sure of having the right answer for.
All of this didn't really matter when she was in preschool. But, we started noticing that it made a difference in kindergarten when she entered public school for the first time. S1 went unnoticed , for the most part, in a class full of outspoken and outgoing personalities because she was not one of the kids that were first to raise their hand to answer a question (though she might have known the answer), or first to volunteer to participate in a science experiment, for example. You get the picture. My smart, creative, but quiet, child just got completely lost in the mix. S1 did not get a chance to be challenged academically. Her work ethic and good behavior went unrecognized because she would not try to highlight her abilities and achievements and speak up for herself. It is also the way of the world that someone who does what they are told all the time, and that too does it quietly, tends to get noticed less than someone who only does so sometimes. The latter might even get rewarded for doing so since it is not the norm for them! That first year really affected S1's confidence, and not in a good way, because almost counterintuitively, she does thrive on recognition and even a few words of praise and encouragement go a long way with her.
Once we realized what was going on, we started working on challenging her at home and made it a point to let her teacher know at the beginning of every new school year that S1 might need that extra push to open up in class. We have frequent talks with S1 about speaking up, and standing up, for herself. Having some awesome and supportive teachers over the last few years has helped her tremendously too.
While her confidence in herself has gone up significantly compared to before, we still struggle to get her to try/experience new things, because in her mind, if she cannot know for sure that she will excel in something new, she thinks she shouldn't try it out at all. We also struggle in getting her to understand the difference between her highlighting her own strengths and successes vs. what in her mind is bragging. S1 routinely goes above and beyond what is required of her, at home and at school. But, she hesitates to let her teacher/peers know what she has achieved/done because she doesn't want to be known as someone who brags and doesn't want anyone else's feelings to be hurt because of her. I do appreciate the fact that she is conscious of how others may feel because of her success in something, but she will need to learn to "market" herself as she gets older and will need to distinguish herself, over the years, from countless other smart and creative kids like herself. This is a skill that will serve her well in everything from getting scholarships, to getting a job, and actually succeeding in it.
But, how do you even help a 9-year-old understand that SHE is her own best advocate?!
I know there is a fine line between someone who is self-confident and someone who is over-confident, I just want my kids to be confident in their own abilities and comfortable in their skin. That, I have learnt, is easier said than done!
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